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Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I am sorry I am a few days late on this. Do you ever feel like your life is spinning out of control and you just cant catch your breath. Okay last week me and Mr. Man got into it in a big way and I realized I need a break or I just need this to be over I don't know. I have to go for surgery and I just don't want to have to ask him to be there and he tells me he cant. I love him with all I have but I never feel like that is good enough. Is it possible to love someone to much? I have been doing this for 12 long years and through it all I just don't feel like he loves me like I love him. It's like he wants me to be his best friend but he don't want me more than that. It hurts to much to be so close and so alone and so far away at the same time. I keep thinking he will call or knock on the door. I cry all the time when I think about him. Its almost like part of me died. I feel empty with out him. Almost like I am broken. I wish I had more to say but for now I will leave it at that .

Monday, February 22, 2010

NO REALLY WHEN DOSE THE SHIT STOP !!! So I need a break from all of it. I just want to run away and never look back . All last week at work this bitch they call monkey don't ask the Jr. supper is black and she gave her that name. So don't ask me why just cuz! was yelling in my ear treating me like crap and I wanted to punch her in the face but if it was not for the fact that I am better then her or that I would hit her so hard I would make her teeth fall out. How can you be such a mersibal person and take it out on all the people around you and then just not care ? I mean I know I got crap going on in my life but that don't give me the reason to treat people like shit just cuz I want to. The sad part is she goes around screaming about GOD and JESUS all the time and she acts like she is this holey rolling christian . Then she treats the staff in the office like crap and no one likes her. Its so sad . So Thursday I had to leave a hour early to go get some testing done to see if I will have to have surgery or not. Then to find out I could not eat or drink water and that it could have been done on a Saturday. So from 10:00 Wednesday night to 7:00 Thursday with no food. "FUN" Then Friday came and we lost all water and power at work and still had to stay cuz that's the kind of CEO people that manage our staff guess you don't need to go to the bathroom for 6 hours or have to wash your hands or need light to see. GOD love my JOB. Then my mom and step dad Friday night told me pretty much how to live my life . I know they want to help but life is just not so cut and dry. Saturday my lovely dog max was left unattended for maybe 5 minutes in my room and I found him head first in the cat box munching out on none other than shit. So spent the rest of the day doing laundry. WOW THRILLING. Then Sunday I stayed home only because my pain in the ass friend told me we would go take out our cameras and shoot some with one of his friends. Guess what never happened. But I took the dog out to the bath room he saw geese and went flying after them. And as if that was not enough on the way back my friend got the dog all excited and he was calling him to come running back . So the dog was running and I had the lead and he pulled me right over on to the ground and dragged me 2 feet and i missed the corner of the AC units out side by 6 inches of whacking my head on them. SO today which is MONDAY my hole body hurts neck both arms and back and my big toe. Don't ask . So to top it all off the DR. office called me and told me I was having gull bladder failure and would need surgery. So Let me ask it again NO REALLY WHEN DOES THE SHIT STOP??

Monday, February 15, 2010

Wow so last week was a real shit no kidding. Got sick at 2:45 Wednesday morning. spent what seemed like a life time vomiting and shitting my brains out!!! Oh and just when I thought there could possibly be no more left ("I was ever so wrong"). So I do what most people do call the BOSS and tell them I am not going to make it in. Spent the day sleeping and praying the pain would go away. With some luck I got up Thursday morning feeling okay or at least like I could safely leave the house and make it up the road with out having to stop at every store, gas station, or bush along the way to work. Then lunch came and went and I just felt more under the weather as the day went on. Finally 5:00 wow I get to go home and drug up on Zantac 150 and Bayer back and body. OKAY made it to Friday Woke up feel like shit no really like the dog shit you stepped in lats week then scraped off your shew on the sidewalk and then the grass. Yeah that's it! That's me Friday morning. Drove into work don't know how I made it. But I went in because I felt bad we were short at the job one person. And when I got in it seemed like half the office was out or going to leave. I slumped around the office doing much of nothing. The more I tried to do the more I felt like I was useless. It took for ever to make it to lunch I was burning up and I wanted to vomit as hard as I could. My office manager came over and felt my head and told me I was real hot. Then I knew I was not going to make it through the rest of the day. I called the Dr office and begged to come it because I just could not go through the weekend feeling like this. got a appointment at 2:45. Called my mom and she knew something was wrong. so I went home and slept for a hour then she came and got me. we slipped in the office and out. after the Dr pushing and prodding on my stomach and back asked me if I was pregnant. My mom and i laughed and I replied only if Jesus is the father. Then I told him that the only boys that sleep in my bed is my cat and dog and that ain't happening. the Dr told me it might be gall bladder or Hiatel hernia. He gave me antacid and antibiotic and something called GREEN Goddesses. Well it must have been from the gods because by the time I got the scrips filled and made it to the parking lot and into my moms car and opened the door again and vomited all over the black top in the rain. and people actually stopping to watch. well hope it was a good show for those of you that looked at me like I was the alien from a horror flick. So when I go for the Hida scan we will know whats up.

Monday, February 8, 2010

This is one of my babies. It really is not the biggest or coolest or most expensive camera out there. But it is mine all mine and I love it!!! I have a Canon Power Shot S5IS. I had been playing with my other 2 cameras. They are both 35 mm base. And if truth be known I was having a hell of a time with trying to get them to focus. Then I ran across this one in a Ritz shop and fell in love. I now take almost all my photos with it. Don't get me wrong I still hold great respect for my other cameras. I just like the fact that I can take a decent picture and it looks good. Its real nice to be able to see what you took a picture of without it looking fuzzy or wasting film. I also like the fact that I can record on it like a camcorder. I can even add a external flash. It also has a flip screen on it. I like the shape of it in my hands. It still feels like one of my old ones with a little bulk. It beats having one of those little digital brownie type I am so a fade to drop one. Also I believe my hands and fingers are to freaking big to maneuver those tiny cameras. I wish I had enough money so I could buy another one to put in mu car. But of course I would worry about it getting stolen.

Monday, February 1, 2010

OK OK OK where the hell do I start. I am 31 with no real kids less you count the 3 cats Gizmo, Groucho, Alex, and 1 dog Maxamus that I count as the kids I never got to have. I live in one of the 3 biggest cities in the us. I work for the state as a paper pusher. I do thank God every day that I am 1 of those few that still have a job. I come from the all American hard working blue collar split home. My father lives in NY. My mother lives in FL. Go figure both are still on the east coast at opposite ends. I was 1 of the million or so kids that was molested as a child. Wow feels good to say that. I spent 2 years in foster care in NY due to that and the fact I was a pissed off teen. I have lived in more places and moved more times in my life than I ever wanted to. I met a lot of very cool people along the way. And several pretty shitty people to. I live in a apartment with this single guy over my head that is either a real ass or is deaf. I would kill at the opportunity to have 4 years of college paid for. So I don't have to pay back loans for the rest of my life. I know there is grants but you have to apply to like a million of those to even come up with all or most of the money to pay for school. Well the other fact is I am a complete chicken shit to get off my ass and do some thing about school. I went and applied once and was spouse to pay a app fee of $10 and was so nervous I locked up and forgot my pin number to my damn ATM card. Hows that for dork. Oh and lets not forget the relationship I have been in for the last 13 years with a man whom I love to death but is a total commitment-phobe. The almost last thing I have to say is I LOVE photography with this crazy passion. Its funny as much as I know I know nothing about it. But for the most part I think I am trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. P.S. I cant spell worth a shit!!